Holiday Blues

I didn't think it would set in until I actually got home, or maybe during finals week. However, it is here, strong as ever. Christmas is such a pretty time of year, it's beautiful and should cause one to feel joy. I just feel anxiousness and dread. I do not want to go home, as I no longer feel as though I totally belong there. And no! That has nothing to do with the usual feeling college kids get when going home, this runs much deeper. Mostly it ties into what my last post was about. Nobody at home understands me any longer. My older sister will never get it, most of the time when I'm with her, she winds up simply upsetting me. I love my mother to death, but she still doesn't understand that I am not Jessica. I have different wants, desires, and needs. My goodness, how I'd love to be recognized as being a unique individual. I think my dad get's it to a certain extent, but he'll only be around half of the break. As for my friends, well most of my friendships at home have fizzled out over the past year. Some have proven to be true friends, but most have not. The one I would consider my closest friend will not be coming home over break. This saddens me greatly. Add to that the fact that my cousin, who I also consider to be one of my best friends, won't be returning for Christmas either. This saddens me even more. I doubt one of my other good friends from home will be capable of setting aside any time for me either. So it looks as though I've got a long and lonely break ahead of me. Another depressing factor of Christmas I need to factor in is that it marks the anniversary of the very last time I saw my grandmother well. In January she had her operation, then around Valentines Day she had her stroke. So yeah, I've got the blues. Right now I just feel like curling up, watching a dark depressing movie, then going to sleep. However, with working from nine to midnight, that is not an option for me.